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Let us save you 7 minutes and 43 seconds.
"G.U.Y." opens up with businessmen and businesswomen scrambling for money that is falling from the sky.
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Next, we see Lady Gaga as a wounded bird crawling
out of a grave.
Um, OK.
PHOTO: Lady Gaga goes topless for Versace >>
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Still, with the wounded bird.
(There are a couple of agonizing minutes with a "wounded bird.")
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Here, Gaga spreads her wings and tries to act.
(Keep the drama to the hair and costumes, please. It's painful.)
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Wounded bird collapses in front of a Greek palace.
(Garbage bag dudes pick her up.)
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Wounded bird is covered in a ceremonial wreath...
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... and buried in the backyard pool.
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Meanwhile, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills do this.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills appear in Gaga's new video >>
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If G.U.Y. is making you think W.H.Y. right about now, remember this is...
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And she's back (as Venus, we think?)
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Venus calls on the god of sexual desire.
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Who is Andy Cohen?
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Cue the synchronized swimmers...
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...with a side of male objectification...
(Now we're listening.)
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...and a teddy bear cutout.
(Shouldn't some bad dreams just be left in the therapist's office?)
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Gaga wants to be the G.U.Y. (girl underneath you), then hops on top of this guy.
(We think this is supposed to be sexy, but it's just, well, you decide.)
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This is as good a place as any for a random cameo of Jesus...
(who looks completely underwhelmed)
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...and Lego lady.
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By the time Gaga pulls a Miley Cyrus and writhes and touches herself on a bed, we're so bored and confused, we don't even care.
What do Miley Cyrus, Rihanna and Lady Gaga have in common? >>
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Gaga shuts 'er down looking like a blond Kim Kardashian.
